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Pilot for 10 minute short film


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#1 Patrick T King

Patrick T King
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Posted 23 March 2006 - 01:05 PM

Hi,

I have shot about 12 short films (9 miniDV, 2 S16, 1 HDV excluding this), 2 documentaries, and 2 music videos, in my 5 year career as a student cinematographer. This is my most accomplished piece of cinematography to date. I am currently working on the lighting design for the full length short(10 minutes long).

I shot it on HDV with a Sony FX-1. I recieved a first class grade for this work at the university I attend (Southampton Solent University - Film Studies). I am particularly pleased with the lighting in the function room, especially were the boss is walking through past the windows. This aside, I was pleased with the movement. However, I hate the shot with the turtle. . .It looks black on computer screens, but looked perfect on playback through a TV.

Please, let me know what you think. Here it is:-

Patrick T King
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#2 LondonFilmMan

LondonFilmMan
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Posted 25 March 2006 - 12:00 PM

A moderate start. Is this a drama that has already been completely written? And is this the first few mins?

Here's my critique...

Why not start with him hastily stubbing out a cigarette as the other man walks in to bark orders? Wouldn't that tie in better? The other man who enters asks "I thought you'd quit smoking" and I have to admit that I didn't geddit as I had not detected the cigarettes and lighter.

By the way, I would not introduce this character with a slouch over the table because to me its 'lazy' in an unjustified way.

The shot of the tortoise might seem a fraction too long and too dark. And...mmm...

Both he and she weren't very interesting to watch, especially given that - one assumes - they are to be lead characters. She was a bit dull. I mean, she didn't *shine* much and neither did he. Make-up?

Most of his and her facial expressions might benefit from a re-shoot, that is because they might appear a little bit vague. Don't we want to be sure what they are thinking and feeling?

Lastly, that music. Isn't it Brazilian? But she said "Hola", which is Spanish. Therefore, isn't their a conflict as you are running this as background music AND a 'theme' in different scenes?

All best :)
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#3 Alexandre Lucena

Alexandre Lucena
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Posted 25 March 2006 - 01:24 PM

When the girl looks at the turtle, the music sings "she looks straight ahead not at me" and the
turtle goes head down :D is it a joke or coincidence?

Alexandre

from the Bossa Nova land
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New Pro Video - New and Used Equipment

CineLab

Ritter Battery

Visual Products

Tai Audio

rebotnix Technologies

Willys Widgets

Gamma Ray Digital Inc

Wooden Camera

FJS International, LLC

Aerial Filmworks

Media Blackout - Custom Cables and AKS

Technodolly

Abel Cine

CineTape

Glidecam

Paralinx LLC

Broadcast Solutions Inc