Jump to content


Photo

DP Jokes


  • Please log in to reply
31 replies to this topic

#1 James Steven Beverly

James Steven Beverly
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 4199 posts
  • Director
  • El Paso, Texas

Posted 13 May 2006 - 01:54 AM

I heard a DP joke I thought I would share forgive me if ya already heard it: Why don't DP's light a girl's ciggerette when he's trying to pick her up? Cause it takes him 3 hours to light it. :D Anyone else you any filmaker jokes, Doesn't nessesarily have to be about DP's, but it would be funnier if it were.

Edited by Capt.Video, 13 May 2006 - 01:55 AM.

  • 0

#2 Josh Bass

Josh Bass
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 552 posts
  • Other

Posted 13 May 2006 - 02:05 AM

This is ancient, and has been posted elsewhere on here:

What's the difference between God and a DP?







God doesn't think he's a DP.


Har har har. I'm a genius.
  • 0

#3 Matt Butler

Matt Butler
  • Basic Members
  • PipPip
  • 93 posts
  • Other
  • Sydney,Australia

Posted 13 May 2006 - 06:01 AM

Here is another old chestnut.

What's the difference between a flare and a highlight?

About A$3000 a day!
  • 0

#4 Annie Wengenroth

Annie Wengenroth
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 653 posts
  • Sound Department
  • Brooklyn, NY

Posted 13 May 2006 - 06:34 AM

I always liked the joke Doug Hart used at the beginning of his book... How many camera assistants does it take to change a light bulb? ...Never mind, it's already done. I also heard a good one involving teamsters and donuts but unfortunately I can't remember it exactly...!
  • 0

#5 Michael Nash

Michael Nash
  • Sustaining Members
  • 3330 posts
  • Cinematographer
  • Pasadena, CA

Posted 13 May 2006 - 06:16 PM

I also heard a good one involving teamsters and donuts but unfortunately I can't remember it exactly...!


I know that one and many others, but since this is an open forum I'll try to refrain from offending as many people as possible. ;-)

How tall is a sound mixer?
I don't know, I've never seen one stand up.

How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?

How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Do we have to change it?

How many lead actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb, and the world revolves around him.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a globe.

How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder, the other to hammer it in.

Why do we have the grips push dolly?
To teach them how to walk upright.

Did you hear about the grip who was so dumb, that OTHER grips noticed?

Why were there no PA's killed in the Northridge earthquake?
The were all standing in the doorways.
  • 0

#6 Michael Most

Michael Most
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 765 posts
  • Other

Posted 13 May 2006 - 06:34 PM

I also heard a good one involving teamsters and donuts but unfortunately I can't remember it exactly...!


The two best teamster jokes I've heard were both told to me, ironically enough, by Teamsters - who I have to say are usually some of the greatest guys you'll ever meet, and generally have a great sense of humor. At least L.A. teamsters. So, having said that...

Q: How can you tell when a Teamster has died?
A: The jelly donut falls out of his hand.

Q: How can you tell a Teamster child?
A: He's the one standing in the corner watching all the other kids play.
  • 0

#7 Luke Prendergast

Luke Prendergast
  • Sustaining Members
  • 491 posts
  • Cinematographer
  • Victoria Australia

Posted 13 May 2006 - 06:42 PM

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?



One.
  • 0

#8 Matt Irwin

Matt Irwin
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 389 posts
  • Cinematographer
  • Los Angeles

Posted 13 May 2006 - 07:22 PM

Q: How many Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "It's fine ... just shoot it!"

Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hmmmm... I'm not sure... What do YOU think?
  • 0

#9 Brad Grimmett

Brad Grimmett
  • Sustaining Members
  • 2660 posts
  • Steadicam Operator
  • Los Angeles

Posted 13 May 2006 - 08:18 PM

Well, since most of the good ones have already been posted, I'll give you one I heard long ago.

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

27.....You gotta fu&%$*' problem with that?!
  • 0

#10 Justin Hayward

Justin Hayward
  • Sustaining Members
  • 928 posts
  • Director
  • Chicago, IL.

Posted 13 May 2006 - 11:55 PM

How many PA's does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change it and seven to wonder why they weren't called.

Edited by Justin Hayward, 13 May 2006 - 11:59 PM.

  • 0

#11 Tim Tyler

Tim Tyler

    Administrator

  • Admin
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1291 posts
  • Cinematographer
  • Olympia, WA (US)

Posted 14 May 2006 - 12:37 AM

What's the difference between a grip and a key grip?

The key grip moves the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.
  • 0

#12 Phil Rhodes

Phil Rhodes
  • Sustaining Members
  • 11937 posts
  • Other

Posted 14 May 2006 - 04:10 AM

I just realised that the four people I most closely associated with the camera assistant position are named Annie, Anna, Anne and Anneka.

It would not be unreasonable to suspect some sort twisted, Buckaroo-Banzai-style alien plot.

Phil
  • 0

#13 Michael Nash

Michael Nash
  • Sustaining Members
  • 3330 posts
  • Cinematographer
  • Pasadena, CA

Posted 14 May 2006 - 04:14 AM

It would not be unreasonable to suspect some sort twisted, Buckaroo-Banzai-style alien plot.

Phil


That's pronounced big booTAY...
  • 0

#14 Paul Maibaum ASC

Paul Maibaum ASC
  • Sustaining Members
  • 163 posts
  • Cinematographer

Posted 14 May 2006 - 11:02 AM

How many Directors of Photography does it take to change a light bulb?
.......One, no I think two, three would be better, can we get four?
OR
.......How many do we have in the truck?

How many assistant camera persons does it take to change a light bulb?
.......Four, one to change the light bulb and three to tell you how they did it on their last show.
Paul Maibaum
DP/LA
  • 0

#15 Daniel Madsen

Daniel Madsen
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 201 posts
  • Student
  • Boston

Posted 14 May 2006 - 05:29 PM

When an old cinematographer was asked "how many years have you been a DP?" he replied "I've been a DP for thirty years but twenty of those years were spent waiting on sound."
  • 0

#16 Bob Hayes

Bob Hayes
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1087 posts
  • Cinematographer
  • Culver City, California

Posted 15 May 2006 - 10:00 AM

Why don?t DP?s smoke pot?
It takes them to long to light it.

How many assistant cameramen does it take to change a light bulb?
If I were the DP I?d use a soft light.
  • 0

#17 Dan Goulder

Dan Goulder
  • Sustaining Members
  • 1259 posts
  • Cinematographer

Posted 15 May 2006 - 10:27 AM

How many Directors of Photography does it take to change a light bulb?

None. We'll just fix it in post.
  • 0

#18 Chris Pritzlaff

Chris Pritzlaff
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 187 posts
  • Gaffer
  • Los Angeles

Posted 16 May 2006 - 09:53 PM

How many DP's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he will change it 5 times before he is happy with it
  • 0

#19 Adam White

Adam White
  • Sustaining Members
  • 135 posts
  • Other

Posted 17 May 2006 - 04:43 AM

why is there a pause between lighting and thunder?

Because even god has to wait for sound.
  • 0

#20 Chris Pritzlaff

Chris Pritzlaff
  • Basic Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 187 posts
  • Gaffer
  • Los Angeles

Posted 17 May 2006 - 05:39 AM

How many script supervisors does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they won't let anyone touch it cause it might ruin continunity
  • 0


The Slider

CineTape

Rig Wheels Passport

FJS International, LLC

Abel Cine

Visual Products

Technodolly

Media Blackout - Custom Cables and AKS

Paralinx LLC

Aerial Filmworks

Broadcast Solutions Inc

CineLab

Metropolis Post

Glidecam

Tai Audio

Ritter Battery

rebotnix Technologies

Gamma Ray Digital Inc

Opal

Wooden Camera

Willys Widgets

CineTape

Tai Audio

rebotnix Technologies

FJS International, LLC

Rig Wheels Passport

Willys Widgets

Technodolly

Opal

Ritter Battery

Broadcast Solutions Inc

Metropolis Post

Abel Cine

Paralinx LLC

Visual Products

CineLab

Media Blackout - Custom Cables and AKS

Aerial Filmworks

Wooden Camera

Gamma Ray Digital Inc

Glidecam

The Slider