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1st year piece of work


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#1 Stephen Smith

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Posted 19 July 2006 - 04:45 PM

if anyone has time i'd like some pointers, i made this film as a project in my first year at uni, shot on a canon xm1 and part on a chinon super 8 dart i bought from a car boot sale, just wanted to know what anyone thought, sorry its hosted on myspace but i dont really know anywhere else to stick it other than youtube which im not a fan of...

http://www.myspace.c..._coming_for_you

cheers
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#2 Morgan Peline

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Posted 27 July 2006 - 08:37 PM

I didn't understand the story at all...
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#3 Stephen Smith

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Posted 28 July 2006 - 06:00 AM

I didn't understand the story at all...

yeah sorry about that, it wasnt exactlyt understandable, my tutors at uni didnt give any indication on what they thought of the narrative or anything but then again i guess im at a pretty crap uni.
It was originally going to be about a guy that runs someone over, in a hit and run incident, he then becomes guilt ridden cause the man he runs over dies, so he pays some dodgy black market doctor to fiddle about with his brain. It was kind of meant to be the start with the end of the operation, then the dripping tap wakes the patient up, reminding him of something totally inferior, makinga cup of coffee which i doubt anyone remembers any particular cup of coffee, he then goes on to remember other snippets, all the super 8 flashback type stuff then he remembers in detail the meeting with the doctor, then at the end the doctor is in the office writing on his type writer about the failure of the operation. I know its very complicated, that was one of the reasons i wanted feedback, to see if the narrative wasn't gettting through to anyone. I think in future i may try spending a bit more than the price of a dv tape and a roll of super 8 film, Althoguh i cant really blame the lack of money for my failure.
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#4 Morgan Peline

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Posted 28 July 2006 - 09:56 AM

yeah sorry about that, it wasnt exactlyt understandable, my tutors at uni didnt give any indication on what they thought of the narrative or anything but then again i guess im at a pretty crap uni.
It was originally going to be about a guy that runs someone over, in a hit and run incident, he then becomes guilt ridden cause the man he runs over dies, so he pays some dodgy black market doctor to fiddle about with his brain. It was kind of meant to be the start with the end of the operation, then the dripping tap wakes the patient up, reminding him of something totally inferior, makinga cup of coffee which i doubt anyone remembers any particular cup of coffee, he then goes on to remember other snippets, all the super 8 flashback type stuff then he remembers in detail the meeting with the doctor, then at the end the doctor is in the office writing on his type writer about the failure of the operation. I know its very complicated, that was one of the reasons i wanted feedback, to see if the narrative wasn't gettting through to anyone. I think in future i may try spending a bit more than the price of a dv tape and a roll of super 8 film, Althoguh i cant really blame the lack of money for my failure.


I think maybe next time you need to think about how you are telling the story in terms of narrative and script but also in terms of what the camera is saying as well.
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#5 Stephen Smith

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Posted 28 July 2006 - 11:37 AM

thanks for the pointers i will bear them in mind for my next project, i was hoping more than one person might have a say, but one is definitely better than none,
cheers
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#6 Michael Collier

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Posted 28 July 2006 - 02:18 PM

It was very hard to follow. I read the explanation and could see some of what you're saying, but I think the point gets lost to montage. It almost seems like its weird just to be weird. If you have 5 minutes then a montage like that might distract the viewer, or at least not be able to glean and info out of. In 5 minutes you need a razor sharp story. You can't attack it like a feature with 3 acts and a progressive charecter. The charecter in shorts should be an archetype, which you had: guilt. The story should be the meat of the peice because nobody can fall in love with your charecters in such a short time. There has to be that 'aha!' moment where the viewer finally understands what they are watching. The piece however could be recut and make it a bit easier to get a hold of. You have a theme of text. The newspaper, the guy writting. Instead of focusing on each letter of 'falure' maybe you can focus more on the content of the note, giving a little more insight to the rest of the movie. Its a bit of 'telling' in stead of 'showing' but in shorts sometimes you do have to cut a few corners.
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#7 Stephen Smith

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Posted 28 July 2006 - 04:23 PM

cheers, i think im gonna have a go at re-editing and see if i can make it make more sense.
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#8 David Sweetman

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Posted 30 July 2006 - 03:55 PM

I know its very complicated,


The story itself isn't very complicated, it's "a man who wants to forget." Trouble is, that's not what the movie ended up being about, we never even see the guy's face. I really didn't like the blatant rip-off of "Shaun of the Dead," which was a moderate rip-off of "Army of Darkness."

One major problem is that we don't know if the main character is the one driving the car or the one walking on the road, and we don't know if the car even hits the guy on the road.

Having said that, I do think you have some interesting stuff here, as well as some good sound design.
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