Jump to content


Photo

'The Paper Side of Things' (Justice League)


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Enrique Lombana

Enrique Lombana
  • Basic Members
  • PipPip
  • 36 posts
  • Camera Operator
  • presently Teaneck, N.J.

Posted 19 July 2007 - 07:39 PM

This script is a scream. It's the Justice League but the corporate side of things. Five pages, you will laugh.

http://www.geocities...ideofthings.pdf

And as far your critique, be cold, cut throat and ruthless, it will just make me better.

All the best and thanks for reading it,
Enrique
  • 0

#2 Alex Ellerman

Alex Ellerman
  • Sustaining Members
  • 228 posts
  • Other
  • Chicago

Posted 19 July 2007 - 10:17 PM

Hey Enrique - always brave to post work for others to critique... i have a couple suggestions for you:

* read some scripts. some produced scripts. that will help you with formatting and style. you have HUGE blocks of text with one line of action. you have a lot of helping verbs, eg. "is reading" instead of reads. And you have bland verb choices; 'is running' could be darts or sprints.

* you need more white space. cut the CONTINUES and MORE. Cut the Wrylies. eg (raises an eyebrow, thinks, shrugs). Trust me.

* You introduce a bunch of characters awkwardly at the table. you would be better off giving us a taste of the picture rather than a literal map. for instance, "The Members of the Justice League seated around an immense oak round table; one chair is empty."

let the viewers mind fill in some of the blanks and do some of the work for you.

* your dialogue blocks are perhaps too mamet-esque for lack of a better comparison. you're controlling the cadence and taking too long to say something. sometimes, less is more. unless you're mamet or Tarantino.

* as a screenwriter, you are too much tell and not enough show. When you say "Diana is offended," that is tell. If you said, "Diana huffs," that is show. You show me a picture of Diana looking offended, and I show you a picture of Diana.

* what is the purpose of the short? a bunch of superheros are gonna sit around and chat about a logo? I don't think it really showcases your screenwriting ability. i can't imagine it would showcase a cinematographer's skill. It seems like kinda bland, and the clearances would be murder. the only angle here is that it's superheros, and that won't sustain the comedy. it's fun as an exercise, but you haven't necessarily done the homework to suggest it's an exercise.

if scripts are your thing, roll up your sleeves and read a bunch and it will sink in. Good luck~
  • 0

#3 Enrique Lombana

Enrique Lombana
  • Basic Members
  • PipPip
  • 36 posts
  • Camera Operator
  • presently Teaneck, N.J.

Posted 20 July 2007 - 07:36 AM

Thanks for taking the time Alex,

Looks like I have a few things to fix in my writing. Expecially those helping verbs.

The purpose of the short is certainly not for commercial sake. I thought it would be funny. My intention to the viewer would be that they would not know these people are superheroes, and as the story progresses, they would be like, "Hey, wait, are these superheroes."

It's just for fun.

Thanks for the writing tips, they helped alot.
Enrique
  • 0

#4 Alex Ellerman

Alex Ellerman
  • Sustaining Members
  • 228 posts
  • Other
  • Chicago

Posted 20 July 2007 - 09:55 AM

Of course Enrique... i gave you a procedural and maybe what you wanted had more to do with the content of the short? Unfortunately for me, i can't really enjoy a script that hasn't maximized its dramatic potential in the writing stage. being more show than tell will help.

to your point about the viewers not knowing... maybe have them learn the names of the participants in real time, rather than revealing them at the beginning. I see that you were trying to set the stage for a boring office meeting (careful with the boring - you don't want it to *be* boring). See if you can get a copy of Office Space or 9 to 5 and see how they wrote it up.

I would do a little intro banter like "we have timecards for a reason, please punch in when you get here..."
then segue into a bit about people stealing office supplies. then go with your bit about logo/branding and slowly reveal Bruce, Diana, Clark, etc.

i still don't know if it's my cup of tea, but might help you get what you're looking for. Read some scripts, it will help~ Best,a.e
  • 0

#5 Enrique Lombana

Enrique Lombana
  • Basic Members
  • PipPip
  • 36 posts
  • Camera Operator
  • presently Teaneck, N.J.

Posted 21 July 2007 - 10:36 AM

Hi Alex,

Yes, if the writing/screenplay format (show, don't tell) is not up to snuff, it can distract from the true content of the story. Almost like reading a novel with alot of grammar mistakes, it's hard to focus on the story.
Thank you for bringing out this point.

And also, I like the pre-meeting banter with the timecards idea.

Best regards and thanks for all your help,
Enrique

Edited by Enrique Lombana, 21 July 2007 - 10:38 AM.

  • 0


Ritter Battery

Opal

Broadcast Solutions Inc

The Slider

CineTape

Willys Widgets

Gamma Ray Digital Inc

Abel Cine

Wooden Camera

CineLab

Media Blackout - Custom Cables and AKS

rebotnix Technologies

Glidecam

FJS International, LLC

Technodolly

Metropolis Post

Rig Wheels Passport

Visual Products

Aerial Filmworks

Tai Audio

Paralinx LLC

CineLab

Abel Cine

Aerial Filmworks

Broadcast Solutions Inc

Rig Wheels Passport

FJS International, LLC

Ritter Battery

Opal

Glidecam

Media Blackout - Custom Cables and AKS

Technodolly

CineTape

The Slider

Tai Audio

Gamma Ray Digital Inc

Visual Products

Paralinx LLC

Willys Widgets

Wooden Camera

Metropolis Post

rebotnix Technologies