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#1 Ryan Linnegar

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Posted 14 October 2007 - 12:48 AM

hi,
I'm completely new to this forum (and site), but I've had a bit of experience on mini DV and 16mm shoots at University (UTS, Sydney, AU).
I wrote an opening sequence, key emotional scene, and treatment for a feature screenplay called 'Bursting' as part of my classes a few years ago but have only just come back to it. I've attached the key scene and opening sequence. The story synopsis is in the 'key scene' document.
Just wanted to get some comments on how this script compares to 'pro' drafts, and any advice on turning it into something more 'shootable'?
I'm thinking about maybe working on it until it's a full length feature script, time permitting.

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated (esp. regarding how I might make the writing more easily interpretable into visual language, too much/not enough stage direction etc...)

cheers
Ryan


(p.s I have no intention of making this film myself....yet!)

Attached File  openingsequence.rtf   20.17KB   31 downloads

Attached File  keyscene.rtf   12.52KB   22 downloads

Edited by Ryan Linnegar, 14 October 2007 - 12:49 AM.

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#2 Alex Ellerman

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Posted 14 October 2007 - 10:23 AM

your drafts are all garbled for me - but I'll give you some general advice. download and read scripts. there are tons of them on the Internet. iscriptdb, drew's script-o-rama, simplyscripts, etc. etc. read scripts in your genre, produced scripts, spec scripts, shooting scripts. you'll get your answer.
best~ ae
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#3 Ryan Linnegar

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Posted 14 October 2007 - 08:36 PM

hi,
I'm completely new to this forum (and site), but I've had a bit of experience on mini DV and 16mm shoots at University (UTS, Sydney, AU).
I wrote an opening sequence, key emotional scene, and treatment for a feature screenplay called 'Bursting' as part of my classes a few years ago but have only just come back to it. I've attached the key scene and opening sequence. The story synopsis is in the 'key scene' document.
Just wanted to get some comments on how this script compares to 'pro' drafts, and any advice on turning it into something more 'shootable'?
I'm thinking about maybe working on it until it's a full length feature script, time permitting.

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated (esp. regarding how I might make the writing more easily interpretable into visual language, too much/not enough stage direction etc...)

cheers
Ryan


(p.s I have no intention of making this film myself....yet!)

Attached File  openingsequence.rtf   20.17KB   31 downloads

Attached File  keyscene.rtf   12.52KB   22 downloads


This might work better.

Attached File  keyscene.doc   36.5KB   24 downloads

Attached File  openingsequence.doc   50KB   15 downloads
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#4 Alex Ellerman

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Posted 14 October 2007 - 09:15 PM

Ryan - read your work... overall, if you're planning on shooting it, you can write it any way you want. If you want to turn it into a Shooting draft for someone else, then you might consider making some changes.

You need to show and not tell.

'Sam turns around to face the dam, (as if to challenge it.)' What does that look like, exactly? If I told you to make that look on your face, and with your body, what would you do? It's a tell.

'Laura nods politely, but looks at him quizzi-cally.' What does a polite nod look like, compared to an impolite nod? if I showed you three photos of my face, could you tell 100% which look is quizical? no. it's a tell. pro scripts tend to cut adverbs (politely) and go lightly on the adj. and use interesting verbs rather than helping verbs, eg. darts rather than is running or runs fast.

It's overwritten in the sense that you have blocked out too many gestures, "shakes his head, is silent, looks up at him, hangs his head, runs a hand through his hair." I picked all those out in 3/4 of a page. it's too much, breaks up any flow you might have.

Pro scripts tend to use wrylies (angrily) sparingly. They tend not to worry about credits. they capitalize INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY and EXT. DAM

I can't say i read your script with great interest. it has some nice descriptions, and captures dialogue all right. but it's not moving. I wasn't sure who / what story i was reading. there's a lot of small talk. get into the scene as late as possible, get out as early as possible.

Who is the protag? why are you telling me this story? hint: it should probably be the most important thing / day in his life up to this point. if it's not, then there's some other script i should be reading.
best,
ae
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Technodolly

Willys Widgets

Visual Products

rebotnix Technologies

The Slider

Paralinx LLC

Metropolis Post

CineTape

New Pro Video - New and Used Equipment

Tai Audio

Aerial Filmworks

Abel Cine

Rig Wheels Passport

FJS International, LLC

Ritter Battery

Gamma Ray Digital Inc

Glidecam

Wooden Camera

Media Blackout - Custom Cables and AKS

Broadcast Solutions Inc