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#1 Mark Williams

Mark Williams
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Posted 24 September 2008 - 03:58 PM

I have two versions of dialogue for the same scene which one do you think sounds better? Version one or two.. I need to know because this will help influence how I write!

http://www.mydeo.com...D...&CID=221784

The story so far
Gorman head of MI6 has found the girl for Father Julian Casti and his sect. Gorman is increasingly suspicious of the Priest who in the end turns out to be a traiter and worse is a demon.

TIA :)



------------------------------------------
FIRST VERSION
-----------------------------------------

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
I congratulate you and your men, Gorman.

Gorman glowers at Casti, his distaste for the Priest evident.

GORMAN
We were doing our job Father Casti. That does not
mean I’m happy about it.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
You have returned the girl to us, now we simply
wish to get on with our lives.

GORMAN
That’s what concerns me.

Casti returns Gorman’s piercing stare with one of an innocent humble priest, but there is something menacing in the depths of his eyes.

GORMAN
That girl’s life, her welfare became my units responsibility.
That will not end because I am forced to return her to you.
Am I making myself clear, Father Casti?

Father Casti nods respectfully and rises from his chair. Gorman is clearly frustrated but shows him to the door without further comment.

------------------------------------------
SECOND VERSION
-------------------------------------

GORMAN
The situation has been resolved.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
You’ve got Shiri. Thank you. Thank you Gorman.
We can again do our work.

GORMAN
Well. Whatever. My opinion? I think this whole
thing stinks. A cover up by your ancient sect
for medieval gobbledegook.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
We just want the girl and to get on with our lives.

GORMAN
Why you want her? That gives me goose bumps.
I’ll be watching Don’t let me hear of any
problems or I’ll come and get her. Understood.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
There won’t be any.

GORMAN
Yeah well. All things considered. I’m still not happy.
(Pause.)
She’s outside.

Edited by Mark Williams, 24 September 2008 - 04:03 PM.

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